Now I know that I'm actually sexist.

What brought me to this:

In June, I started volunteering at a center. One of the other volunteers contacted me from the staff list with person intent. They didn't have my knowledge and certainly not my permission in doing so. They started off with coming to live with them, an hour away from where I currently am. After I turned that down, they offered for my to attend a fest with them in a different town an hour away. The kept inviting me to stuff, and I was very standoffish about it. I saw the kindness in their actions, but someone suddenly contacting me and inviting to to places an hour away from where I live to place where I don't know anyone is strange.

Recently, has person has admitted they became frustrated with my coy behavior so I forced myself to finally tell them the truth. Like I said, I saw the kindness, but it was too much too soon, and it spookied me. Unfortunately, they didn't want to accept this and kicked me out of their life as much as they could without me actually being in it, in the first place.

How this links to sexism:

This person has a vagina. Even though I'm well aware that people with a vagina are just as evil as people with a penis, I still treated that person much kinder than I would have if it had been someone with a penis. If they had a penis, I would have bluntly cut them off without thinking about it. Something along the lines of: "No one has permission to contact me without relation to the center. That's a very creepy and disrespectful thing to do. Cease and desist." And, I still would have told our supervisor after handling it myself.

But no. I was dealing with a vagina wielder, so I kept it going, hoping they would get the hint that I didn't want to be close to them, but I was ok with talking to them casually. By that I mean online, as we live an hour apart. They took all of this into their own hands - I didn't ask for any of this. They had no respect for me in the action of contacting me from the staff list without my permission. They also don't under that what they did was wrong. I'm not assuming that - they actually said they did nothing wrong when I confronted them about how I felt. I would have forwarded the emails to our supervisor at that point - it if were someone with a penis.

Resolve:

I know the universe was telling me this, for it put someone from the past in my line of vision. A person with a penis for whom I was very blunt and direct with, before. They exited my life with their own disgrace and I have no interest in letting them back in. That is how I should also treat this person.
I am thankful that the universe pointed out my sexist ways. Regardless of gentials, body stature and all - all people are hurt hurtful beings. I will be blunt and direct with all of them equally.

InsideOutYS helping me fight homophobia!/ My birthmonth!

InsideOut Youth Services fellow-volunteers wrote on my arms to bring back to the homophobes where I live.

I can't think of anything snazzy to do for next month, so I'm going to use my new job to get out of the thing. I have parties to plan for, which is more important than anything involving my homophobic neighbors.

This Sept has been quite a month. I've done a lot more in a few days than I could ever get done back home. Colorado Springs always has something to do, even in the cold weather - they just take some of it indoors. My birthmonth had more hanging out than events, but next month I have to parties I'm trying to get to. This temp job I picked up came just in time! I don't know if I'll have time to make costumes . as they are themed parties, but I'll pay the cover if I don't.

Back to this month: I've been given a lot wonder gifts, and I've been giving myself great gifts. I've surrounded myself with a lot of kind people (none of which I deserve) that make everything so amazing! I've come far in my mental health, since I started a doctor last year. The greatest gift I gave myself this year was letting go on my anger. I still have angry habits to break, but they should fall quickly as I have nothing to fuel them with, anymore.

As for other gifts: I have  get people to be around, I went to some events, I got a phone case socks and food, and I talked to my family back home with a call instead of text messages. Really, a lot more happened than I kept up with. The important things stand out, and that's what matters.

Love,
Apollo

Goodbye, old fri--fucker.

I've dropped a long time "associate" whom I use to call my friend, even though we never really were friends. I made a comment on how they used logic to be callous (or more so, boring) and that one sentence got a 10 page essay in reply, one sentence calling ,e "pretentious". Or course I didn't read all those messages, nor did I argue with them on the matter. The way I see it if someone can give me a paraphargh on what's been wrong with me through out the time we've known each other from one sentence of of a recent observation that means 1. They're still holding the past against me and 2. We're not friends, because anyone who is really my friends knows that they can just tell me when they disagree with my behavior. It's not like I can deny the label. I'm jerk of all trades, and I know it - not even gonna lie. And, I'm also SUPER tacky, in means of fashion. Mixing dark and light clothes, mixed socks, all the good stuff! Back to the point, with as expressive as I am and as "business originated" (boring) as they are  it was clear that "friends" was far from the title we should have ever used. It's sad to lose one known for so long, but all false relationships are to be dropped. No matter how old one is they are always too old for that. There's also the "You know what? You're right. But, still - forget you for calling me that." So "Out of my life, now. Bye." took place with no explanation to them, but I know why I did it, and that's what matters.

Instant gratification and pettiness - Why I work in the food/bev industry.

So, today, I must face the fact that I really do only think about myself.

Most of my work exp has been in food service. I've been in the game for 4 years now, and today I've come to a crushing revelation: I don't want to do this, but I can't see myself anywhere else. Why? Because they feed me.

I absolutely HATE the work, but I keep going because I know I'll get food or cash tips in exchange for a days work. ON top of the pay check, so how can I say no? In my past, until VERY recent times, I've suffered hunger. The "not being able to afford food" type of hunger. I've gone days without eating because it was either pay the rent and bills or get food. It didn't help that the only person with money and responsible for what went on was very irresponsible. Then, I discovered the homeless feedings, and the problem lessnessed, on my end.

Later, IT happened. The IT that /i had no idea impacted my life so much until today. I stared working in FOOD! I started in a family owned cafe as a brasita. The job, pay, and terms were shit but they feed me for it. You mean to tell me I can barter for food?! And, then I moved to a place less poor and was actually getting PAID to work with food, and still get the food, and in other jobs get some money that day along with the food! But, life wasn't bright. I've always known I didn't care for the work, but I weighed all the pros and cons of particular places I've worked to deal with that fact better. But, it all came crashing down a few hours ago.

When I started typing this I was much in in shock in much more morbidly depressed, but now it feel more like content. I'm content with what I've done, as I've learned about it now. But, I don't know how to processed. I could just go hungry, but this time by choose. It would be coming to terms with my selfish ways in a direct manner in addressing what I've done. And, I can't deny - I deserve to starve. Right now, I don't even see why I should bother working. I'll never be satisfied. If it's in food, I'll hate what I do but I'll do it to eat and for cash. If it's not food, I'll fill like my work is going to waste because I'm not getting what I want out of it. I would rather do nothing than do something I hate. I hate everything I do, so I see the only resolve is that I do nothing.

I'm now apart of the couch surfing community!

When one door closes another one surely opens! I've recently been (emotionally) kicked out of a "community", and shortly after I met someone from couchsurfing.org and I'm apart of a bigger and better community!

I met a Turkish person who is very well traveled, as they've been a traveler and a couch surfing for only a little time, but has been a lot of places. Naturally, I was on the "You know so much stuff! Tell me your stuff! I want to know all the things!" We went to a cafe, a large park, the Citizens Project office, and to their college's campus - for they have a meeting there, after our meetup.

It was so much fun. I was very nervous about meeting someone new, but we're hanging out again soon, so I guess I'm ok. I'm very happy as I not feel like an office part of the CS.org community, and I'm very honored to be apart of such a large, diverise, well-trusted collodge of people!

It doesn't look good on being ready...

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like I'll be ready to travel when my time comes. I still won't have a choice, as my only other option is to stay homeless in the same location. If i'm going to homeless I figured I may as well travel, but I can't find a proper backpack let alone decent camping gear. I found a bike I love, and would be prefect for the road - for $600, that is. I didn't even bother to price the trailers. My laptop is old and becoming more busted everyday, and it's becoming more of a hassle to move around town with, let alone take it on the road. It's so old it takes up too much power to plug into shared power ports. And, it HAS to be plugged in to operate because the battery is old, and doesn't go unplugged for more than 7 minutes. I can't complain about it too much because it's better than nothing right now, but it doesn't seem like it will do me any good while I'm traveling. No one's going to want to trade it for anything of real value because it's so old - I'm stuck with it. The new laptop I picked out is $600, and the tablet is $300. I want to send my valuables home to my parents, but that costs money I don't have and it doesn't look like I will have. I don't want to have to sell them. They're valuable to me, but not to someone else to get enough money to make it worth losing.

I just don't know what I'm going to do. I want to be in at least a decent state of being able to travel on my own, instead of having to do it the hard way - being carry everything I can fit into a small normal type backpack and literally walk my journey. It's also going to be sometime in January when all the shelters are likely to be full, if I'm very landed in a place with shelters.

This is turning out to look like something more horrible but necessary than fun and an important piece of my life. There's a level of "horrible" given I have to do it, vs my options, but my options are worse - in my perspective. I don't want to turn into one of those crazy homeless people that have been on the streets in the same place for 20 years!

I have a job here, but they don't care to have the schedule sheet available for me so I can sign up for hours. They don't call when hours are open, even though I'M ON CALL. And, the only person on call, at that! I'm looking for another job, with no luck until school is back in session which will only give me 3 or 4 months in my current situation to work EVERYTHING out. Aside form my traveling stuff I have other reasonableness to my current situation. Outside of my situation, I can't find a new place to live in town on my budget. It would be counterproductive to move outside of town, because i don't have a car to come back into town at will. And, the bus system here can't give a single care about stuff like that. I have only a few friends with cars, and they also have their own lives to live. I won't have any gas money for them, either. You know, because I live out of town where there are no jobs, and too far away to get to a job, so I'll have no job, no money, no ride. 

What should I do? What CAN I do? This whole thing looks hopeless, now.

Friends but not friends

Someone I met in the shelter that helped me move into my room. I thought we were friends, even after they confessed their "advanced" feelings for me. They didn't stop hanging after that, so I thought it was ok. Even when they still went on to try to advertise going out to dinner together.They were even there to help me move and get settled in by spending my first fews days with me.

But -on my end of the story-, when it finally set in that I wasn't interested in such events my personality suddenly became "too radical" for them. The main event that gave them their "out" on our relationship was my disagreeing with their plans to appease their shelter case manager. The idea was to apply for the program that I'm in, but with no interest in joining. I expressed that I disagreed with them wasting the program's time and taking time and space someone that needed the program and wanted to be in it could be using. After that we talked no more, until I found out they worked at a store. We still didn't "talk",  but I made it clear I was over it.

I was shocked, as that was the first time that's ever happened to me. I'm disgusted, and disappointed with the situation, but not disheartened by humanity. It was explained to me that the person just wanted to feed off my positive energy, but I don't believe such things. I'm just as homosapien as anyone else, and there's nothing of me to feed from. There are times I can't even feed myself. 

When they repeated vented about the same issue with their family members I would tell them "You need to sign up for Aspen Pointe to see a therapist. There's nothing I can do to help with the issues of your family." And, I'm proud on how consistent I was with that. And, still am. That's what I tell everyone that comes to me with in-depth problems. "I'm not the help you need. You need a professional," has become my tagline. I can see how they would think seeking a higher level of relationship with me would get me to open up to those kinds of problems, but I was strictly rejecting it. The kind of relationship also comes with other details that I was rejecting even more. I also wasn't sexually attracted to them, and it's common for sex to be a factor in those types of relationships in our culture. AND, IT WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

I'm not awaiting "marriage". I wait on "the one", and I know that "one" would not drop me because I'm not a cheerleader for all the bad jokes, repeated rants, and self righteous behavior. I quit baby sitting a long time ago, and I have no plans to return to it - nor I will be baby sitting adults (/'s egos).