The events I’m explaining happened in 2004 - 2006, in Shreveport, LA - Caddo Parish.
In middle school I was seen by someone sitting outside of McD’s with my mate, at the time. The next day, the person (who I thought of as a friend) asked me who I was with and I answered “My mate.” After that, I though nothing of it, but little did I know it was being spread after school after that. When I got to gym, may last hour, I was comforted by all of the others and asked “Are you gay?” I thought about it, and just said “Yes.” I didn’t feel gay, but I didn’t know what “bisexual” was at the time.
After that, I was shunned! While I had my mate with me, I took it better. It was still hurtful, but I oped it as “I’d rather fun ignorant people off, than have them like me”. That didn’t cover the people that were willing to psychically bully me, though. I didn’t have the most harsh psychical experiences, but my mentality, and emotions were broken enough.
I still had a few friends that didn’t care about that! I also had anime, and because of anime, I had those friends! I was too afraid to skip school, but I was always hours late and I stayed to myself outside of my friend group.
It’s time for me to come clean about something, though. The reason why I didn’t speak out as hard as I should have is because my grades were poor, my reports were fucked up, and I was 3 grades behind. At the time, it mattered because I’ve seen Caddo pull some low shit. I was afraid they would turn the argument of my bullying situation into my records. The “What’s the point of protecting you? You’re not doing anything, anyway,” but in much better, pro wording - like I’ve seen before.
The few times I ccould manage asking for help I was just being shrugged off. People weren’t taking my issues seriously, so I didn’t bother speaking on all of them in detail - in the out patience counseling. I did go into detail while I was in Brentwood, and that was pointless. They had no specif design for LGBTQ counseling, and basically told me “as long as I’m not hurting anyone I’m fine. So, get over it.” It actually hurt me more. They also gave me no advice on how to handle bullies other than “walk away”. I walked away, alright. I DROPPED OUT. I was happy to drop out, but I wasn’t really away from the bullies. After I dropped out, I was so depressed. My life was meaningless, and I was nothing. It took me YEARS to get myself back together. Even when I thought I was over it, I wasn’t. I’m still somewhat not over it, because I never got the proper counseling. I don’t feel bad for dropping out of school for my situation, but it would have been nice to have other opinions.
The Trevor Project was out a few years before all this hit, but I had NO idea it existed. The LGBTQ world was all underground, to me. At the time, I was just using anime and manga to help myself feel better. I’m not saying it didn’t work, but the right people to talk to would have actually helped me with my issues. Anime and manga could just cheer me up, and entertained me, instead of being the total vice it was. It made some fun friends for me, so I wouldn’t take it back. There’s was no talk of queerness around me, other than a few of my mother’s gay friends. I didn’t know it was a whole word with support groups, and activities, and OTHER PEOPLE!
There weren’t a lot of things and people in my life to teach me to “be myself”. Most of the people around me were fine with the dull conformity, but I never was and never will be! I wasn’t born to be that way! The morale lessons at the end of Sailor Moon, Moltar and T.O.M. 1 on Toonami, and some anime/ manga protagonist were all I had on “being myself”, and “being proud of myself”.
But, now I know of all this COMMUNITY! It makes me very sad that sometimes we fight among ourselves! You never know where you might end up. Sometimes, we’re all we have. Here in 2012, I am got to look into proper counseling. There’s more for teens and kids, than young adults, adults, and elderly. Hopefully, there’s change in the words for that.
Thanks for reading!
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