I'm going on REVAMP.

All I can tell you now it the last few years of my character making life have been a lie ,but that's part of the reason i'm so insecure about my art.

I just put some serious thought into it about an hour ago. I've been tiring to be more like someone else because they get noticed for their characters ,and i don't. I thought tiring to be like them would make it better ,but it didn't. It didn't make it worse on that hand ,but i upset a friend in the process. Now i know it's been so long i didn't even know what i was doing wrong until JUST now. I was into the idea of revamp my old characters ,but it's my newer ones that need the help. My old ones need to be more "stabilized" settings. Anything i've made within the past 1 - 3 years needs to be looked over for a COMPLETE revamp. I took some simple words to bring all this on. I posted in SA and MB forums asking people what do people want to see these days. SA not really the help i was looking for. MB - VERY helpful, without the smart-assery which was VERY nice. It was basically a "Be yourself" thing ,and that's what made me see that i wasn't myself.

I've been having more of an artistic identity crisis. I know my art doesn't suck ,but i shove it down my own throat that it does. When someone tells me i suck i just say "That was long espt before you got here" , "Well, d'uh" or something snappy but still in agreement. I'm not one to feed the trolls or entertain rude people (here i just delete the comments) ,but it's hard to make scene of how i can take that well ,but get upset when a friend gives me constructive crits. I don't outwardly say anything against it, but it's like a stabbing on the inside. It's like a can take it - I say "Thanks" for it and if i really think it's good advice i'll see about working it into my style- ,but it still stings even tho i know it's only to help and not to hurt. I'm not saying it makes me want to cry ,or anything. It's like a "I know what's wrong with me. You don't have to rub it in." feeling ,but i'll still go with it. I guess how you outwardly react it what matters. The only think I don't accept is when someone with a style i don't like tries to tell me about mine. I can give i polite "Thanks, but i'd rather not take advice from you" but to some that's hard to sallow. It can be seen as rude ,so i only say that when i think the person's being rude to me.

I still have alot of stuff to scan ,edit ,and upload ,and i will as i go along with this ,but i'll be busier ,and tiring to focus which means hanging out less. I'm gonna make revamping a higher priority ,and not try to go in any order like i usually do - which ends up failing.

*kisses and hugs*

You gotta FIGHT for your RIGHT! - homo

Like i said ,i support gay rights and marriage.

However, the fight seems weak.

Firstly ,the symbols that "represent" gays prides.

An upside down pink triangle ,and a rainbow flag... NO! HELL FUCKING NO! What kinds of symbols of showing power and authority are THOSE!? Rethink that.

Be more aggressive ,and even brutish just like the gay bashers.
People are willing to kill you just for being gay so you need to act like you are willing to kill them, too.

People die for love all the time ,but you don't get credit for it if you don't let it be known why you did it. If you're gonna kill yourself because you're gay tell the new channels first, or something to make your cause noticed.

For a more aggressive view i suggest being more like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ1I_-MY_NY

or this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S0N3bIeFrM

I'm black. People about to debate ,fight ,kill ,and die for me to have the civil rights i have today.

Take note that alot of the old arguments on why I shouldn't have rights ,or marry other races are being used again now. It was also a slow progression, so gay right may not be accepted in our life time ,but do it for the kids!

~
And THAT'S what i have to say on THAT!

Good luck to ya! ... or maybe "us" ,after all.
I prefer my same gender ,myself.

I support gay rights and gay marriage!

Not just because i believe in human equal rights ,but all arguments against gay rights and marriage are based on unfounded opinion ,and religious belief.

I have scientific and psychological proof and studies backing up why i think letting gays marry is a good idea.

This is a VERY short vers: of the scientific and psychological part. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PooEhBxh0NY

Here's a long vers. It's an hour: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWmw40ks2yU

Of course this a civil matter ,so getting the rights aren't easy. You can't just have the SMART factors at hand.

You also have to use brute force to get your point across ,just let the homophobes that are willing to beat up gays as a way of proving THEY'RE right.

Civil debates aren't fun and games ,so you have to get your hands dirty. Gays are gonna have to kill ,die ,and debate for rights. Don't at like you can't learn anything for how blacks got rights.

Blacks died for me to be able to sit on an unsegregated bus. What do you think you'll have to do TO GET MARRIED?!

I'm not gay but if i choose to get with someone of my gender ,and i decide i want to go through the trouble of get married i want the choice.

Also, adopting child(ren).

On both issues I believe love is not based on gender with your partner or a child(ren).

I don't have any good gay examples ,but i do have ALOT of my own personal proof that just because its a hetero couples doesn't mean it's meant to work out.

Being homo or hetero doesn't make you who you are or decide how good a parent you are or will be.

~
That's where i am on it.

CONBADGES coming soon!

I'm come up with a new thing i wanna do... CONBADGES!

I won't start NOW ,but they'll be coming up soon and they will be FREE FOR FRIENDS! Or we can trade if you want ,but i'll be more on the picky side. I'm gonna wear them in public ,after all!

People that aren't my more personal online buddies will have to pay (when i get paypal) ,but don't worry. They'll be cheap! I really don't believe in charge ridiculous prices for something I love to do!

I can see WHY some people do it ,tho. They're so good they have to have high prices so not to get flooded by people.

However, we all know kills are worth ... MAYBE $5... maybe. I might charge 10 ,tho ,just for the hell of it. Still cheap, right? I need to buy stuff to do it with. *shrug*

If someone wants to guide me on the right way to do commissions ,please do. I don't want to get ripped off ,or anyone to think i'm ripping them off.

ANYWAY,

I was thinking about starting this weekend ,but i'm not sure. It will be a weekend soon ,tho.

I luv u GAIS!

Oh gosh! A NOT sad journal!

I went to class today! I got alil math done, and i fell good about that. I tried to give it to her ,but she'd rather check it while I'm there. I was tiring to give it to her after class to NOT have to go through that, but oh well.

I never seem to have much bad to say when i go downtown. This place sucks ,for the most part ,but not everything. This time of year some lil restaurants let guitarists place outside their places. I never go down without money ,cuz i feel bad if i don't give anything. I like that kind of stuff ,becuz it shows who we really are. Not just just a bunch of loud mouth ,rude ,ghetto, white trash ,and red necks. We're people with talent and skills. We're very extremely miss guided by a thieving ,corrupt government.

Not everyone can leave ,so those of us that remain have to make due. Right now ,i'm happy with the way things are. Change always hits me hard ,no matter how fast or slow it comes. It's scary ,but if it nots to be done just do it.

I think it's time for market ,so i'm gonna try to catch it, while listening to the guitarists! We have a old style market place downtown. People get there spring harvest and selling it. Yeah... OLDE SKOOL!

Now... i take shower ,change my bed sheets.. and maybe DDR if not a nap.

I can NOT believe myself right now.

I went all of Spring Break without doing any math. No harm as long as i do some today so i'll have something ot give the teacher for tomorow. I was gonna go today ,but I shouldn't without some work done.

I'll start doing some math right now!

...hahha... Anyone know anything about math?

~

I'll be making a video later on today about that stupid Miss Cali bitch. California

I don't watch those things. I saw it on youtube. I'm glad she lost, tho.

I see all those videos being deleted because of the hate comments they're spawning (and copyright).

Good News and Bad News

Good News

- Gonna get my GED soon!

- A friend might be coming over today! Haven't seen 'em in years!

- Team Fortress 2 retard parody videos are AMAZING!

Bad News

- My crack buddy in Malaysia has throat cancer.

- I need a new mattress.

- I'm lonely. I want more friends ,and a mate.

Neutral News

- Looking for a job ,again.

- Comics will start after I make a few checks.

- I have Twitter ,so add me https://twitter.com/Tatsuyoujo I don't Twitter my every move. It's the only thing I can do on my cell phone.

I need to stop. I'm reaching "ill" levels

My fan-maddness is going nuts. I had the nerve to make TF2 fan characters. I'm not talking about the random black-girl Scout, i'm talking about a group that has yet to be released - except for Jofina who was made by the team's Engie. I have a good mind to just keep the other maddness in my head.

I'm ready to beat .Hack already ,but in the mean time i'm drawing this CRAP! *waves papers on monsters, fanart ,and outfits*


I keep laughing at this ,and i don't know why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYpnyBI2kng

It is funny in NO WAY ,but i almost fell over laughing.


Slim Shady ,however, is VERY funny! I'm so glad he's back!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYXddd8tiqM

Off Hiatus/ Me on Suicide

I'm not so depressed anymore. I'm still alil upset ,but I'm out of it. You loss your suicidal card when you haven't killed yourself over certain amount of time ,so I'm out of that. I still don't have a reason to live ,but for now I'll draw. Some people told me that actually like my crap ,so that made me feel alot better.

I drew for my Gaia shop ,and i drew on Tegaki. I don't do that when I'm depressed ,so I know i'm ok.

I'm sorry if i worried or upset anyone. When i make those posts I'm looking for attention so someone to talk to about the stuff to help me think it threw. I really don't want to do anything drastic ,but I can be an extremist at times. Drastic things are the only things I can think of when I'm miserable.

~

People seem to often get a misunderstanding about suicidal people. It's not always about "people that can't handle life". Some things are very hectic ,and on the completely different side of the spectrum things can be empty. I'm never gonna be completely happy because my life is so empty. Plus my fear of death is what draws me to it.

What gets me is the "The easy way out" argument. Lemme tell you ,from a suicidal person, THAT DOESN'T MAKE PEOPLE NOT WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES, that just makes it MORE appealing. Suicide ,itself, isn't easy. You have to make the stern and permanent decision to do it ,then you have to pick a way out of the 1000s of ways to do it. There are same consequences to not doing your decided method correctly. Some methods are painful ,and the usual rule is "anything with pain ISN'T easy". Anything with a gun or poison can be brain and/or nervous system damaging. Of course, anything with falling can damage bones AND internal organs WITH a possibility of brain/ nervous damage. Also open sores can get infected - infects can lead to illness and/or death OR the part that was infected may need to be removed. Even if you don't suffer the psychical conditions you have to live with the embarrassment of failure.

I envy people that have committed suicide. Even with all the possibilities of the risk of failure ,and the consequences they have selected a way and did it properly. I'm very indecisive ,because i like to change things and customize. I'm use to failing at things ,and knowing the risks of failure makes it hard for me to go through with it.

My self esteem is so low i can't even commit suicide. What the FUCK is THAT?! I mean really. That's sad.

Not all suicidal cut ,or even like cutting. I've never cut myself out of depression. I punch and slap myself ,because I don't mind bruising. It's scarring I don't like. I know they have things for scarring ,but the only thing i know is cocobutter. Even with the stuff the scars don't completely go away. It's not that i think i'm too good looking for scars ,i just don't think i need to make things worse. I have some discoloration on my skin already ,so bruises are fine. Showing off noticeable marks and scars from self mutilation is unsightly and tacky to me.

~

Some of this is my option, what I do ,and some of these are just facts. I highly consider the "The Easy Way Out" thing a fact. That's just bullshit people say because they can't think of anything else. It's not a real argument ,because they don't know what it's like to be suicidal. People that say that make me wanna punch them in the face.

I'm starting to feel alil better.

Some folks talked to me (net friends) ,and I'm calmer about everything. I can't i don't want to die anymore ,but I'm not as depressed. Someone told me they like my art. I think 2 people.. People out there actually like my stupid crap! XD That's awesome! I opened an art shop on Gaia (free ,of course) ,and people dumbrushed even tho i posted my MangaBullet where they can see what they're in for. I feel pretty good about myself.

Me and my mom are suppose to take some recyclables and clothes to some places ,but she bitched at me when i brought it up ,so I'll throw them in the car when she's not looking. She can take them when she gets tired of not being able to put anything in the truck. I won't talk to her again until I can figure out how to get back at her for making me feel bad. I'm still alil depressed because I haven't gotten revenge yet. It might be easier then I think. I could just let her be 300 lbs and over ,getting back at her and letting her eat herself to dead are 2 different things. I would rather her suffer then die. She has grandchildren for god's sake. That may not mean anything to her ,but it does to me.

Oh, what to do what to do? Until i think if something she will just be my spawn of resources. I'm sick of her attitude. She acts worse think a teenager.

Friend issue is resolved.

I sent on email to me friend explaining how i felt about what happened and our overall relationship this morning. They replied ,and they told me where they were coming from about it. Long story short ,I may have started it. I don't remember the details but I don't doubt it if i did. I was wrong AS USUAL.

I think there may be a misunderstanding in the email ,like they think everything I said was related to THAT moment. I was really fucked up about it for alot of hidden reasons ,but i'm not gonna push it. I just won't fool with them anymore to avoid future drama, and they'll stop coming over and that will ULTIMATELY solving the problem. not saying that's all they come for ,and that's all I do ,but things will get boring. They can be bored at their own place ,or out with better friends.

Now that that's settled I still have to deal with mom. For now I'm not talking to her, but that's no real punishment. It's probably good to not hear me nag about how she needs to workout and eat right so she won't be 300 lbs. She go ahead and turn into the GoodYear blimp ,and I won't say a word.

I'm still depressed. I have no reason to live. That can depress anyone. Oh, the emo-angstyness! I'm not just saying it. I get depressed and I just stuff. I have nothing to do ,nowhere to go ,and no one important. It just is what it is ,and it's nothing. No reason.

My self bashing/ Why I'm so sad

Looks like I've been at it again. Bashing myself for now reason ,and just putting myself down about everything.

I've been depressed the past few days ,and i've even thought of killing myself. I don't know what's going on. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in a while ,but sometimes I do want to kill myself because I fear death. I know that sounds backwards ,but I'm thinking of it as "It's going to happen ,so i may as well get it over with." I could sit here and talk about how pointless my life is all day ,but it wouldn't amount to anything except getting me deeper into a hole I'd rather not be in anyway.

My mom keeps shouting anti-gay obscenities all the time. It's hypocritically to me because she has gay friends, some she's had for a LONG time. I think she's known them since high school ,and now she suddenly has a problem with them. I don't like unfairness ,and hypocritical behavior like this. It's one thing just be some dumbass ,then it's another to come from someone you care about ,let alone your mom (or whoever you may care for...if anyone). I know my godmom wouldn't talk to me that way. I believe she's in a better place ,but sometimes I wish she was still here.

I've been around a friend for the past few days ,but they're gone for a while now. I would see them again AFTER spring break (which is NEXT week here. I'm so out of touch). 2 weeks without them will do me some good. I don't anyone a friend that I don't like ,but sometimes they make me sad. I thought they were over liking me ,but I don't think so me. I'm sort of jealous they have people to have sex with ,but I don't know why. I know I don't like them they way ,but it's sort of an odd "jealous" feeling when you think someone's that's liked you is over you. I was glad they finally saw me for the things make me not worth dealing with. They let me borrow some games for my PS2 ,because they're PS2 is else where for a chain of reasons. They come over and lets just say "hardcore flirting" goes on. For the recorded : If they were the opposite gender I most likely would have had sex with them ,by now. I do sort of like them like that ,but my mom is freaking me out. If I do something with them it will feel like I did it because she wanted me to. Also, I think when i feel horny for them it's just locked up sexual drive ,and I want something more real then that. Also, I feel like they put me down sometimes. In their eyes I might deserve it because I'm not "acting my age" ,and I know it ,too. They might be tiring to help ,and I'm just taking it the wrong way. If I still feel this way i'm going to tell them not to come over for a while ,even after spring break. I still don't want anyone seeing me so down, and I'm no fun to hang out with like this.

All in shot: It's mom being like that, her alot being 300 lbs (which worries me ,because for some reason i give a shit), feeling useless ,and my own friend that's making me feel low. I think the sexual hormones might have something to do with it ,too. They're there ,but they're angry I'm not using/ releasing them so they're fucking up everything else. It's just one friend ,but I'm being gender vague.

I'm not worrying about a job anymore. I have plans and ideas, now. I just have to get my GED ,now.

~

I can type this crap ,because I know no one in the mix will read it.

Letting it out will hopefully make me feel better ,tho. I guess that's all i want weither anyone knows or cares ,or not.

~


I know no one gives a shit about my journals because they're always feel of crap like this ,but I blog to keep track of my feelings at point in my life. Maybe I'll do better one day ,and look back on it ,and think about who i was then (now) ,compared to who i am then (in the the future).

CA vs FL!

FL

Well, mom's got another place she wants to move to. This time it's FL ,and more specifically JACKSONVILLE, FL.

Now, from what I know about FL it's nickname is "The State of Second Chances." With it's accordance of state laws people that have messed up or had problems in other states go there for a new start.

I don't feel like I've even had my 1st chance yet but I don't think I'm gonna get it here ,anyway.

She's looked into the place and she likes it. She wants to be close to the water, but she's not going to the Hurricane part. The part she wants to go to is NORTH FL, and the Jackson is an evac city, which isn't different from what this place is.


Cali

Unlike FL, I know at least 5 place there around : 3 rememberable online friends (that i can easily get back into connect with), 1 friend (ex-gf), and my one of my Uncles.

If I go I have to move in with my Uncle ,and his wife. THAT'S my problem. I don't know his wife AT ALL. He doesn't talk about her, I only know her name because my grandma said it and it's the same as my mom's,
and their own 7 year old daughter isn't even living with them right now. There's alot behind that I'll have to look into ,because I go stay with them. The wife's son died a while ago (some years, i think) so I've imagine she's distressed ,but I think it's too serious when you can't have your own child live with you. The problem is it has been explained to me ,and he wants me to come stay with him. I get there's a difference between a young adult and a young kid ,but I'm not going into some serious shit without knowing with going on. I need to know if I even want to deal with it ,first, because I'm clearly going to have my own problems. I love my uncle and all, but that's fucked up and I'm fucked up enough already.

It's very costly to live in CA, but from what I here there's a job EVERYWHERE ,even in times like this you can sell some weed or do something. There's no reason to be broke ,aside from your own stupidity. I don't want to pay $20 for a pack of socks ,but if I have the money it's no problem ,i guess.

I don't like Prismacolor very much

My sister gave me the $150 pack. Tin casing, 48 colors, collect art cover. They look very nice ,but i don't like the way they color ,and the scanner much the colors look weird. I'm not saying it's a bad product. I'm saying it's not for me.

The reason I'm posting this ,is because disillusion going on in some artists that expensive produces makes art better. I'm here to to you that THAT cake is a lie.

First of all, it's you SKILL that's makes your work what it is. It's how much time you put into your craft ,and your dedication to it.

Secondly, not everything is for everyone. Personaly, i prefer SAI ,and openCanvas WAY over Photoshop. ArtWeaver is also a good product. I use to have PhotoPlus ,but some of the features stopped working ,for whatever reason. Honestly, i don't think PhotoShop is worth them money they make you pay for it. About $10 or $20 cheaper ,would be best. I had a hard time with GIMP, and it just didn't work for me. It also taking up too much space on computers.

A brand I have taken a liking to is Staedtler Luna. A friend from Malaysia sent them to me, and I'll be hunting them down to see if they're here ,later.

I have yet to try Copie markers ,and Prismacolor markers or any other Prismacolor produces ,and I doubt I will. 1. I was never too happy about about coloring with markers ,even as a kid. 2. I'm a heavy judge. If one of your produces don't work for me ,I doubt your other ones will.

I'll try them for free ,like how I got these pencils.

Dropping the Bisex.

A friend said something to me today. Something about "It's life. Just let it happen". I actually had to think about that.

I try to be in control and dependable as possible. Some things i know I can't control ,but I don't think I've truly ACCEPTED that. Then there are some things that have just failed when left to me. I'm so use to failure and reject I let it because a part of me. Sometimes I get mad when little things happen ,and non-caring at bigger things.

I think I know everything about whats wrong ,and right with me ,but I get the feeling I just over think some of the details.

Well, I said all that to say I'm not bi. I don't care about your gender. I'm starting to like my friend more the more he comes around ,but not because he's a guy.I still want my next relationship to be with a girl ,because girls are smart. I'm slow ,stupid ,and stiff. Oh, the SELF-BASHING ,but it's true. I need something opisit of me ,and that's a PRETTY ,SMART, ACTIVE, GIRL.

Yeah ,I just said i don't care about gender ,but I'm not gonna lie about it. I prefer girls because I like boobs ,and soft hairless legs more then hairy bodies and penises.

I just talk alot of trash ,but when it comes down to it I might just end up one of those that's just thankful for whatever will accept me.
I'm not BI i'm PANA.

Time for me to get more loose... but I'm still not gonna be a slut ,or whore. I'm remaining with my V card until I find the right one!

First time @ DDR

Date: March 31st

Game: DDR X

Time: 10:13 am

Started playing: 9: - something. Almost 10.

Mode: Workout

WT: 120 lbs ; 57(?) Kg

Score:

Calories Burned: 45. 579 kcal

Accumulation: 45. 579 kcal

Jogging: 1.168 miles (and i didn't even live my apt)

Cumulative Calories Burned: 45. 579 kcal

Average Calories Burned: 6. 511 kcal


Status: I got off to a slow start ,which isn't abnormal for me. Got the hang of it pretty good at the last 2 stages ,when i stopped playing barefoot.

~



Now I'm not one to count calories or anything ,but i like to eat healthy. I don't even have to go out of my way about it because i love fruit ,and stuff.

DDR is great for working out ,so I'm gonna buy it. I got this one loaned from a friend.

Games from friends are a good outlook on "game preview". XD

I like DDR more then i thought i would.

This is my PERSONAL one

This blogger is for other stuff. The comic blogger is here: http://hebiyoujo.blogspot.com/