InsideOutYS helping me fight homophobia!/ My birthmonth!

InsideOut Youth Services fellow-volunteers wrote on my arms to bring back to the homophobes where I live.

I can't think of anything snazzy to do for next month, so I'm going to use my new job to get out of the thing. I have parties to plan for, which is more important than anything involving my homophobic neighbors.

This Sept has been quite a month. I've done a lot more in a few days than I could ever get done back home. Colorado Springs always has something to do, even in the cold weather - they just take some of it indoors. My birthmonth had more hanging out than events, but next month I have to parties I'm trying to get to. This temp job I picked up came just in time! I don't know if I'll have time to make costumes . as they are themed parties, but I'll pay the cover if I don't.

Back to this month: I've been given a lot wonder gifts, and I've been giving myself great gifts. I've surrounded myself with a lot of kind people (none of which I deserve) that make everything so amazing! I've come far in my mental health, since I started a doctor last year. The greatest gift I gave myself this year was letting go on my anger. I still have angry habits to break, but they should fall quickly as I have nothing to fuel them with, anymore.

As for other gifts: I have  get people to be around, I went to some events, I got a phone case socks and food, and I talked to my family back home with a call instead of text messages. Really, a lot more happened than I kept up with. The important things stand out, and that's what matters.

Love,
Apollo

Goodbye, old fri--fucker.

I've dropped a long time "associate" whom I use to call my friend, even though we never really were friends. I made a comment on how they used logic to be callous (or more so, boring) and that one sentence got a 10 page essay in reply, one sentence calling ,e "pretentious". Or course I didn't read all those messages, nor did I argue with them on the matter. The way I see it if someone can give me a paraphargh on what's been wrong with me through out the time we've known each other from one sentence of of a recent observation that means 1. They're still holding the past against me and 2. We're not friends, because anyone who is really my friends knows that they can just tell me when they disagree with my behavior. It's not like I can deny the label. I'm jerk of all trades, and I know it - not even gonna lie. And, I'm also SUPER tacky, in means of fashion. Mixing dark and light clothes, mixed socks, all the good stuff! Back to the point, with as expressive as I am and as "business originated" (boring) as they are  it was clear that "friends" was far from the title we should have ever used. It's sad to lose one known for so long, but all false relationships are to be dropped. No matter how old one is they are always too old for that. There's also the "You know what? You're right. But, still - forget you for calling me that." So "Out of my life, now. Bye." took place with no explanation to them, but I know why I did it, and that's what matters.

Instant gratification and pettiness - Why I work in the food/bev industry.

So, today, I must face the fact that I really do only think about myself.

Most of my work exp has been in food service. I've been in the game for 4 years now, and today I've come to a crushing revelation: I don't want to do this, but I can't see myself anywhere else. Why? Because they feed me.

I absolutely HATE the work, but I keep going because I know I'll get food or cash tips in exchange for a days work. ON top of the pay check, so how can I say no? In my past, until VERY recent times, I've suffered hunger. The "not being able to afford food" type of hunger. I've gone days without eating because it was either pay the rent and bills or get food. It didn't help that the only person with money and responsible for what went on was very irresponsible. Then, I discovered the homeless feedings, and the problem lessnessed, on my end.

Later, IT happened. The IT that /i had no idea impacted my life so much until today. I stared working in FOOD! I started in a family owned cafe as a brasita. The job, pay, and terms were shit but they feed me for it. You mean to tell me I can barter for food?! And, then I moved to a place less poor and was actually getting PAID to work with food, and still get the food, and in other jobs get some money that day along with the food! But, life wasn't bright. I've always known I didn't care for the work, but I weighed all the pros and cons of particular places I've worked to deal with that fact better. But, it all came crashing down a few hours ago.

When I started typing this I was much in in shock in much more morbidly depressed, but now it feel more like content. I'm content with what I've done, as I've learned about it now. But, I don't know how to processed. I could just go hungry, but this time by choose. It would be coming to terms with my selfish ways in a direct manner in addressing what I've done. And, I can't deny - I deserve to starve. Right now, I don't even see why I should bother working. I'll never be satisfied. If it's in food, I'll hate what I do but I'll do it to eat and for cash. If it's not food, I'll fill like my work is going to waste because I'm not getting what I want out of it. I would rather do nothing than do something I hate. I hate everything I do, so I see the only resolve is that I do nothing.