I'm not so depressed anymore. I'm still alil upset ,but I'm out of it. You loss your suicidal card when you haven't killed yourself over certain amount of time ,so I'm out of that. I still don't have a reason to live ,but for now I'll draw. Some people told me that actually like my crap ,so that made me feel alot better.
I drew for my Gaia shop ,and i drew on Tegaki. I don't do that when I'm depressed ,so I know i'm ok.
I'm sorry if i worried or upset anyone. When i make those posts I'm looking for attention so someone to talk to about the stuff to help me think it threw. I really don't want to do anything drastic ,but I can be an extremist at times. Drastic things are the only things I can think of when I'm miserable.
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People seem to often get a misunderstanding about suicidal people. It's not always about "people that can't handle life". Some things are very hectic ,and on the completely different side of the spectrum things can be empty. I'm never gonna be completely happy because my life is so empty. Plus my fear of death is what draws me to it.
What gets me is the "The easy way out" argument. Lemme tell you ,from a suicidal person, THAT DOESN'T MAKE PEOPLE NOT WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES, that just makes it MORE appealing. Suicide ,itself, isn't easy. You have to make the stern and permanent decision to do it ,then you have to pick a way out of the 1000s of ways to do it. There are same consequences to not doing your decided method correctly. Some methods are painful ,and the usual rule is "anything with pain ISN'T easy". Anything with a gun or poison can be brain and/or nervous system damaging. Of course, anything with falling can damage bones AND internal organs WITH a possibility of brain/ nervous damage. Also open sores can get infected - infects can lead to illness and/or death OR the part that was infected may need to be removed. Even if you don't suffer the psychical conditions you have to live with the embarrassment of failure.
I envy people that have committed suicide. Even with all the possibilities of the risk of failure ,and the consequences they have selected a way and did it properly. I'm very indecisive ,because i like to change things and customize. I'm use to failing at things ,and knowing the risks of failure makes it hard for me to go through with it.
My self esteem is so low i can't even commit suicide. What the FUCK is THAT?! I mean really. That's sad.
Not all suicidal cut ,or even like cutting. I've never cut myself out of depression. I punch and slap myself ,because I don't mind bruising. It's scarring I don't like. I know they have things for scarring ,but the only thing i know is cocobutter. Even with the stuff the scars don't completely go away. It's not that i think i'm too good looking for scars ,i just don't think i need to make things worse. I have some discoloration on my skin already ,so bruises are fine. Showing off noticeable marks and scars from self mutilation is unsightly and tacky to me.
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Some of this is my option, what I do ,and some of these are just facts. I highly consider the "The Easy Way Out" thing a fact. That's just bullshit people say because they can't think of anything else. It's not a real argument ,because they don't know what it's like to be suicidal. People that say that make me wanna punch them in the face.
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