Looks like I've been at it again. Bashing myself for now reason ,and just putting myself down about everything.
I've been depressed the past few days ,and i've even thought of killing myself. I don't know what's going on. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in a while ,but sometimes I do want to kill myself because I fear death. I know that sounds backwards ,but I'm thinking of it as "It's going to happen ,so i may as well get it over with." I could sit here and talk about how pointless my life is all day ,but it wouldn't amount to anything except getting me deeper into a hole I'd rather not be in anyway.
My mom keeps shouting anti-gay obscenities all the time. It's hypocritically to me because she has gay friends, some she's had for a LONG time. I think she's known them since high school ,and now she suddenly has a problem with them. I don't like unfairness ,and hypocritical behavior like this. It's one thing just be some dumbass ,then it's another to come from someone you care about ,let alone your mom (or whoever you may care for...if anyone). I know my godmom wouldn't talk to me that way. I believe she's in a better place ,but sometimes I wish she was still here.
I've been around a friend for the past few days ,but they're gone for a while now. I would see them again AFTER spring break (which is NEXT week here. I'm so out of touch). 2 weeks without them will do me some good. I don't anyone a friend that I don't like ,but sometimes they make me sad. I thought they were over liking me ,but I don't think so me. I'm sort of jealous they have people to have sex with ,but I don't know why. I know I don't like them they way ,but it's sort of an odd "jealous" feeling when you think someone's that's liked you is over you. I was glad they finally saw me for the things make me not worth dealing with. They let me borrow some games for my PS2 ,because they're PS2 is else where for a chain of reasons. They come over and lets just say "hardcore flirting" goes on. For the recorded : If they were the opposite gender I most likely would have had sex with them ,by now. I do sort of like them like that ,but my mom is freaking me out. If I do something with them it will feel like I did it because she wanted me to. Also, I think when i feel horny for them it's just locked up sexual drive ,and I want something more real then that. Also, I feel like they put me down sometimes. In their eyes I might deserve it because I'm not "acting my age" ,and I know it ,too. They might be tiring to help ,and I'm just taking it the wrong way. If I still feel this way i'm going to tell them not to come over for a while ,even after spring break. I still don't want anyone seeing me so down, and I'm no fun to hang out with like this.
All in shot: It's mom being like that, her alot being 300 lbs (which worries me ,because for some reason i give a shit), feeling useless ,and my own friend that's making me feel low. I think the sexual hormones might have something to do with it ,too. They're there ,but they're angry I'm not using/ releasing them so they're fucking up everything else. It's just one friend ,but I'm being gender vague.
I'm not worrying about a job anymore. I have plans and ideas, now. I just have to get my GED ,now.
~
I can type this crap ,because I know no one in the mix will read it.
Letting it out will hopefully make me feel better ,tho. I guess that's all i want weither anyone knows or cares ,or not.
~
I know no one gives a shit about my journals because they're always feel of crap like this ,but I blog to keep track of my feelings at point in my life. Maybe I'll do better one day ,and look back on it ,and think about who i was then (now) ,compared to who i am then (in the the future).
No comments:
Post a Comment