So, today, I must face the fact that I really do only think about myself.
Most of my work exp has been in food service. I've been in the game for 4 years now, and today I've come to a crushing revelation: I don't want to do this, but I can't see myself anywhere else. Why? Because they feed me.
I absolutely HATE the work, but I keep going because I know I'll get food or cash tips in exchange for a days work. ON top of the pay check, so how can I say no? In my past, until VERY recent times, I've suffered hunger. The "not being able to afford food" type of hunger. I've gone days without eating because it was either pay the rent and bills or get food. It didn't help that the only person with money and responsible for what went on was very irresponsible. Then, I discovered the homeless feedings, and the problem lessnessed, on my end.
Later, IT happened. The IT that /i had no idea impacted my life so much until today. I stared working in FOOD! I started in a family owned cafe as a brasita. The job, pay, and terms were shit but they feed me for it. You mean to tell me I can barter for food?! And, then I moved to a place less poor and was actually getting PAID to work with food, and still get the food, and in other jobs get some money that day along with the food! But, life wasn't bright. I've always known I didn't care for the work, but I weighed all the pros and cons of particular places I've worked to deal with that fact better. But, it all came crashing down a few hours ago.
When I started typing this I was much in in shock in much more morbidly depressed, but now it feel more like content. I'm content with what I've done, as I've learned about it now. But, I don't know how to processed. I could just go hungry, but this time by choose. It would be coming to terms with my selfish ways in a direct manner in addressing what I've done. And, I can't deny - I deserve to starve. Right now, I don't even see why I should bother working. I'll never be satisfied. If it's in food, I'll hate what I do but I'll do it to eat and for cash. If it's not food, I'll fill like my work is going to waste because I'm not getting what I want out of it. I would rather do nothing than do something I hate. I hate everything I do, so I see the only resolve is that I do nothing.
Most of my work exp has been in food service. I've been in the game for 4 years now, and today I've come to a crushing revelation: I don't want to do this, but I can't see myself anywhere else. Why? Because they feed me.
I absolutely HATE the work, but I keep going because I know I'll get food or cash tips in exchange for a days work. ON top of the pay check, so how can I say no? In my past, until VERY recent times, I've suffered hunger. The "not being able to afford food" type of hunger. I've gone days without eating because it was either pay the rent and bills or get food. It didn't help that the only person with money and responsible for what went on was very irresponsible. Then, I discovered the homeless feedings, and the problem lessnessed, on my end.
Later, IT happened. The IT that /i had no idea impacted my life so much until today. I stared working in FOOD! I started in a family owned cafe as a brasita. The job, pay, and terms were shit but they feed me for it. You mean to tell me I can barter for food?! And, then I moved to a place less poor and was actually getting PAID to work with food, and still get the food, and in other jobs get some money that day along with the food! But, life wasn't bright. I've always known I didn't care for the work, but I weighed all the pros and cons of particular places I've worked to deal with that fact better. But, it all came crashing down a few hours ago.
When I started typing this I was much in in shock in much more morbidly depressed, but now it feel more like content. I'm content with what I've done, as I've learned about it now. But, I don't know how to processed. I could just go hungry, but this time by choose. It would be coming to terms with my selfish ways in a direct manner in addressing what I've done. And, I can't deny - I deserve to starve. Right now, I don't even see why I should bother working. I'll never be satisfied. If it's in food, I'll hate what I do but I'll do it to eat and for cash. If it's not food, I'll fill like my work is going to waste because I'm not getting what I want out of it. I would rather do nothing than do something I hate. I hate everything I do, so I see the only resolve is that I do nothing.
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