Now I know that I'm actually sexist.

What brought me to this:

In June, I started volunteering at a center. One of the other volunteers contacted me from the staff list with person intent. They didn't have my knowledge and certainly not my permission in doing so. They started off with coming to live with them, an hour away from where I currently am. After I turned that down, they offered for my to attend a fest with them in a different town an hour away. The kept inviting me to stuff, and I was very standoffish about it. I saw the kindness in their actions, but someone suddenly contacting me and inviting to to places an hour away from where I live to place where I don't know anyone is strange.

Recently, has person has admitted they became frustrated with my coy behavior so I forced myself to finally tell them the truth. Like I said, I saw the kindness, but it was too much too soon, and it spookied me. Unfortunately, they didn't want to accept this and kicked me out of their life as much as they could without me actually being in it, in the first place.

How this links to sexism:

This person has a vagina. Even though I'm well aware that people with a vagina are just as evil as people with a penis, I still treated that person much kinder than I would have if it had been someone with a penis. If they had a penis, I would have bluntly cut them off without thinking about it. Something along the lines of: "No one has permission to contact me without relation to the center. That's a very creepy and disrespectful thing to do. Cease and desist." And, I still would have told our supervisor after handling it myself.

But no. I was dealing with a vagina wielder, so I kept it going, hoping they would get the hint that I didn't want to be close to them, but I was ok with talking to them casually. By that I mean online, as we live an hour apart. They took all of this into their own hands - I didn't ask for any of this. They had no respect for me in the action of contacting me from the staff list without my permission. They also don't under that what they did was wrong. I'm not assuming that - they actually said they did nothing wrong when I confronted them about how I felt. I would have forwarded the emails to our supervisor at that point - it if were someone with a penis.

Resolve:

I know the universe was telling me this, for it put someone from the past in my line of vision. A person with a penis for whom I was very blunt and direct with, before. They exited my life with their own disgrace and I have no interest in letting them back in. That is how I should also treat this person.
I am thankful that the universe pointed out my sexist ways. Regardless of gentials, body stature and all - all people are hurt hurtful beings. I will be blunt and direct with all of them equally.

Instant gratification and pettiness - Why I work in the food/bev industry.

So, today, I must face the fact that I really do only think about myself.

Most of my work exp has been in food service. I've been in the game for 4 years now, and today I've come to a crushing revelation: I don't want to do this, but I can't see myself anywhere else. Why? Because they feed me.

I absolutely HATE the work, but I keep going because I know I'll get food or cash tips in exchange for a days work. ON top of the pay check, so how can I say no? In my past, until VERY recent times, I've suffered hunger. The "not being able to afford food" type of hunger. I've gone days without eating because it was either pay the rent and bills or get food. It didn't help that the only person with money and responsible for what went on was very irresponsible. Then, I discovered the homeless feedings, and the problem lessnessed, on my end.

Later, IT happened. The IT that /i had no idea impacted my life so much until today. I stared working in FOOD! I started in a family owned cafe as a brasita. The job, pay, and terms were shit but they feed me for it. You mean to tell me I can barter for food?! And, then I moved to a place less poor and was actually getting PAID to work with food, and still get the food, and in other jobs get some money that day along with the food! But, life wasn't bright. I've always known I didn't care for the work, but I weighed all the pros and cons of particular places I've worked to deal with that fact better. But, it all came crashing down a few hours ago.

When I started typing this I was much in in shock in much more morbidly depressed, but now it feel more like content. I'm content with what I've done, as I've learned about it now. But, I don't know how to processed. I could just go hungry, but this time by choose. It would be coming to terms with my selfish ways in a direct manner in addressing what I've done. And, I can't deny - I deserve to starve. Right now, I don't even see why I should bother working. I'll never be satisfied. If it's in food, I'll hate what I do but I'll do it to eat and for cash. If it's not food, I'll fill like my work is going to waste because I'm not getting what I want out of it. I would rather do nothing than do something I hate. I hate everything I do, so I see the only resolve is that I do nothing.

Fuck you. I gotta go to work.

I decided to leave an art site due to too many self righteous people. I just won't make time for that anymore. I come online for various reasons, but when I come to art sites I don't care about anyone's ego, religious, or political views. I believe there are times and places for things, and I don't see how an art site is a place for any of that, unless it is expressed in your art, of course. But, just to constantly bitch at people about your views - go take that somewhere else. This is a big ass internet and you can't say there's no where more appropriate for those subjects.

I'm not upset with people in general about it, but I have been attacked by this people on the site that I left. Also I left because the site is small so there aren't a lot of people to counter balance the villains. If the site is going to have greifers running around with no outspoken awesome people I don't need to be there.