Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Sexual assault and my teenage self.

A long time ago someone I regarded as a friend sexualy assulted me. They dry humped me without permission, and it actually did hurt. When I addressed to to them later, they said they didn't remember doing it. I was hurt in more than one way at the time, but I was a teenager so I forgot about it. I've been around them and trusted them since and times were like it never happened. Every now and then I remember it, though.

When I think about my sexual conduct I think between living a sexless life, and only having sex with someone that I care for - no matter the point in life. When I think of living sexless there is a hate and anger to it. Not just to that person, but to others that have or have tried to assault me.The person with dreads and "education". The person in the white truck "seeking models or all kinds". And, I hate for myself to anyone I have ever assaulted. That seemed like something we all did without thinking. Now I think about it. I am sorry for the people that I've hurt.

When I think of falling in love I fell a wholeness and forgiveness, just from the thought. I feel the love in every way! I separate myself from the wrongs to and from myself and all is truly forgiven in my soul. It's easier to learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others when I feel the forgiveness of the universe guiding me to my correct path. If and when I ever find "that person" (or "those people") I will no longer communicate with "that friend". Love will let me move on, completely. If not, I am doomed fear and shame. But, I will get what I deserve.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I have to face my jealousy

I'm jealous of people in couples. I've been single for about 6 - 8 years now, but I've just started be become lonely about 2 years ago. I get nervous and upset when someone bring their gf or bf around me, and i feel dejected when I know a person's someone or likes someone.

I don't get jealous of the people, themselves, mind you. I'm not upset "Mick" is with "Kyle" because of who they are, or anything like that.

I was ride along the first years really good on "I just don't to deal with other peoples drama", because it was true. After my 2 break ups I was set for single, and I knew it would be a long time before I wanted to get back in that whirlwind.

Unfortunately, I had no plans on how to handle it when those feelings would come back after, like they have now. I think past "other people's drama" now, even tho I still have my own. Somehow I feel like I've become more affectionate, and I have no one to be affectionate with. I know my feelings are heading toward "envy", as well. I act outwardly, sometimes, and I become aggressive and rude.

I just want to get over this. I don't like being rude, and unhappy. I don't want to make make people hurt just because I'm hurt. I understand how stupid this is, but I know I can't help, because I could i wouldn't be having this problem.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I may as well say it. Out Loud.

Things between my mother and I are looking up lately!
I was always complaining about her attitude, but my wasn't really up to pare, either. I wasn't being fair. She has alot of stress factors, but I didn't want them to get to her. The way I was tiring to handle it was treating it like something that should be left outside, but when something bothers you so much on a daily bases and it's not easy to part with it it's going to get into your spirit.

Now I'm exercising a new method. I hug her, at least once every day. I can tell she's feeling better so far, and I'm less angry as well. She doesn't yell as much, but she'll fuss. That's to be expected, however. She's convinced the people she works with are all underhanded, back stabbing hell spawn. It's waring on her mind, and overall morale to stay there, but no other social working jobs pay as much as they do (around here).

We're just doing what we can, now. One day, and hug, at a time.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

FAREWELL, LADIES!

I made some friends at my church about a month or so ago. They've left from Cali by the time this makes the internet. These 2 lovely lady lovers have done more for me in a few days than alot of people I've lived with my whole life. They've given me rides, food, awesome times, and job opps! This is the first time since 7th grade I'm enjoing being around people in my age group. I usually avoid them, because most of the people here are stupid. The ones that aren't stupid leave. I hate they way this place, so I'm outty-5000 by the time I'm 25. I've wasted enough of my youth here, already, but moving costs money. All staying here does is make me depressed, angry, and somewhat bitter knowing other places are better. I could have decently enjoiable life somewhere, but I'm stuck in this blackhole. I understand how blacane works: For others to be high others have to be low. Its just why us? Why me, and why this?




I met them at church, and we just started talking casualy. I was wearing black pants with an old iron-on of Malik from YGO, and one them pointed it out, and it went from there. They became my ride to church (other than mother), first. Then, they took me to the yaoi meets they hosted, and got me food and stuff. Yesterday, I skipped church to hang out with them because that's their last full day here. We went to IHOP for breakfast, the pool party after church, and shopping and getting stuff done for their cat. It was an awesomely random day for me, but very planned for them.



One lady is from Cali, and the other is from here. She's 28, and she's leaving behind her life to do more for herself. We have a very kindered mind set about how fucked up things are here. All anyone can think to do is leave, so that's what we do. No, it doesn't help things get better, in an overall sence, BUT EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! We don't protest here, because it really doesn't do any good. The time and energy wasted on tring to fight these goverment theives can be spent packing up and moving some where that will do the OPPISITE of wasting your time. That's how i feel about it, and based on what I'm seeing around me, i'm correct. Every place has it's problems, but it's what effects you and what you're willing to put up with.



The one from Cali is very disappointed with this place, needless to say. She looks like more, and she acts like more than this. Not saying she's snobby or anything. It's just you can tell she's not from here by talking to her, in a refreshing way. She's offered me a place to stay when i come to visit, and if i decide to move there. She knows alot of people so spreading word a new person's coming in and needs help setting up won't be hard. If anything, they have alot of programs to help homeless people.



We'll keep in touch. Til then, FAREWELL!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Considering Tumer's gender *OMFG ART RELATED*

Tumer

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1064243/

I know it has male on it already and I'm not gonna back on an thing and change things on old stuff because he was male at the time. However ,now on considering making Tumer my first officially espt TRANSGENDER character. Male tran - Cunt boy. I already thought he up with a penis and a vagina. If i do go with a penis and will be a small one.

I've put alot of thought into it. Here's some of what i got.

Penis - small : 1 or 2 inches.
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It would matter to him until someone at school finds out ,and starts teasing him about it. It can go blackmail so no one is told ,or just get around. Tumer's not one to give into being victimized so easily ,despite he apparent psychical weakness. It gets around school, but Tumer still doesn't care, because he doesn't plan on having an sex anyway. Of course the big guys (jock jerks) start picking on him ,and he still doesn't care until they start forcing him into sexual acts (for real reasons i haven't thought of yet). Not only on them ,but others regardless of gender. Tumer doesn't tell anyone for a while because he figures no one would care about him, but he finally has a break down after months of it going on ,and some escalation of activity. At first it's just hand and blow jobs ,but after Tumer stars being threatened with anal rape, and he thinks there's a good change he may have already been. Adrain (formally named Quiney) manipulates his cruse to punish not only the jocks ,but the person that originally tried to blackmail Tumer. He doesn't kill them so the authorities and their parents handle their more "lawful" punishment.

Later characters come in ,and when an adult one finds out Tumer is once again subjected to threats of sexual abuse. However this adult in far from human ,and there's lil Tumer ,Adrain and most anyone else they know can do about it. He already has a history of harassing Tumer before hand, so it's doesn't end up being a surprise that this would happen.

I have the male mostly set up except for his name, and his might have some family. He's no human ,nor necessarily a "demon". He'll mostly end up something that will only apply to the story he's in. The way he finds out about Tumer somehow finds him naked or something - chicle shower scene or whatever. Being the sadist type he'll give out a "Aww, how cute. I didn't know I was babysitting today/ night ," or something along those lines. Then he'll start randomly grabbing and groping Tumer and saying things like "It's so small. I wonder if it works like a normal sized one." i'm still working on all that ,but I got it pretty down.



Vagina - Haven't decided if he can breed with it or not as of yet.
~

Tumer's life is more difficult ,as you can imagine. Boys have penises ,and girls have vaginas, but he's been estpd as a something that LOOKS like a boy ,but his a vagina. He's refereed to as male, but he doesn't like that because ,like said, boys have penises. He can't be called a girl, because he doesn't look like one ,without extra effort. He actually looks gender-indifferent if the face ,but most of his body is a believed (weak) male. He develops an unhearted demeanor about the subject, and when he reaches the age where hormones are in question with a sexual drive he turns hateful and foully twisted minded claiming he'll never have sex ,or fall in love. He believes no one will truly love a freak like him. Add the vagina on top of him being albino, and weak/ sickly looking.

He has already gathered it's unrealistic to think no one would want to just have sex with him. He's a living human being what holes to have sex in ,no matter how you look at it. Tumer sees relationships in a matter of roles ,and being the way he is his role is too questioned on either side. He just marks himself off as "an ugly weak freak" ,and goes on about his business - so to speak. He's told people that try to talk to him about it that he doesn't even touch himself (masturbate) ,for all his hatred. As much as professionals think that's a subject that needs to be farther explored Tumer's father disapproves of any attention on the subject. He doesn't know the deep dark thoughts in his son's mind ,and he'd rather keep it that way. This drives Tumer and his father farther apart ,and when rumors start to spread about his father attempting to kill him when he first started developing oddly he automatically accepts them as true. His father is a cold hearted person to being with ,so there's no reason for him to detore the notion. His father doesn't know this, and (or more so BECAUSE) his youngest son (Tumer's lil brother) develops a habit of explosive, violent behavior where ever he hears the whispers. It's already estd they don't speak on the subject in the house, but as things start to develop and stir what's apparent becomes harder to avoid. The thing is the rumors are true : He not only tried to dismember his child ,but he also put Tumer on all sorts of experimental pills to see of the development "problem" could be corrected. The person at the end of the penis part steps in to make things worse later. He's always harassed Tumer ,and he's been waiting for the subject of sexuality coming into play. He doesn't know off the bat about Tumer's vagina ,but he finds out and all hell breaks loose for the "boy".

How it got out is a reason I haven't thought of yet.

The small penis brings alot of strictly present day sexual abuse drama ,and the vagina brings more family drama.

Both still have a good amount of drama ,but the vagina will get more of a "turning point" emotional theme when the time comes where he accepts it.

Either way ,all he wants is love and he doesn't even know it.